I've taken the plunge. After weeks and months of putting it off and making endless excuses, I've finally joined the gym. I've always been what I call, a solitary exerciser. I'm not real big on sweating and breathing heavy in front of complete strangers. Especially strangers who never seem to sweat or breath heavy during exercise. There is absolutely nothing worse than doing aerobics next to a woman who never falters or misses a step.

When she looks at you and asks, "are you O.K.? You seem to be having trouble breathing."

You seethe quietly. How dare she ask you a question, forcing you to speak? You can barely huff and puff while following the instructor around the room. Now she wants you to form words?
So you struggle to find a gulp of air and smile politely while expelling words, “YehI'mOKThanksForAsking."

Being a solitary exerciser, I've been able to avoid these types of confrontations as well as avoiding the embarrassment of having to tuck myself into a pair of exercise shorts. They're meant to flatter and be comfortable? I'm not so certain. From my experience, wiggling and squirming into those spandex shorts seems to be a workout all in itself.

Anyway, when I walked into the gym for my orientation, my bout of initial nervousness diminished when I saw women just like myself. Women who weren’t twenty and weren’t skinny, but were still unwilling to give up on the hope of shimmying back into those twenty year old skinny jeans.

My spirits spiraled downward, though, when the instructor spoke, "the first thing we need to do is measure everyone's percentages of body fat."

Measure my body fat? Was she saying that I actually had to remove my protective shield, my oversized t-shirt? That I had to remove my suit of armor and reveal my soft gelatinous flesh? My dimpled backside? I couldn't. I grabbed onto the hem of my t-shirt and tugged it tighter around me.

The instructor’s next words were supposed to be calming, "there's no need to feel uncomfortable about this. As awkward as it seems, it is necessary. I need these measurements in order to set you up on the correct strength training and aerobic program."

I knew she was right and she'd probably done this for over a million other people and that my body fat wasn't going to be anymore spectacular than anyone else’s. After the measurements were complete, I hung my head, preparing myself to hear the verdict.

"You O.K.?" she asked.

I nodded, "sure. So what are my percentages?"

She looked down to consult the chart on her clipboard. When she sighed, I felt my heart drop.
"Well," she said, "for your age, weight and height, your ideal percentage of body fat should be at 23%. You're at 28%. Proper diet and strength training combined with aerobic activity should reduce that to your ideal in maybe six to eight weeks."

Six to eight weeks! That long! My jeans are waiting. Summer will be over by then. What's the point? By then it'll be bulky sweaters and fluffy jackets time again. There'll be no reason to show off my 23% fat-free body.

Thank goodness I only paid for a month's worth of membership. Anymore and I would’ve felt like I’d wasted my money, considering I'm quitting the gym and going back to pounding the pavement on the roads near my house. At least that way I can chuck the spandex and slip back into my sloppy sweats and oversize t-shirts.

~~You find the best things from your friends who love to forward!~~

Dear Wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers.. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want sex anymore or anything. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-Husband:

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.

I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a girl!" but my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say anything nice. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I turned away from you when you had those new silk boxers on because the price tag was still on them. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning ... And your silk boxers were $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed
Rich As Hell and Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carla, my sister, was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

** And you thought you were underpaid, check this.

The price of a mom: $138,095
A new report assigns a salary to a stay-at-home mother, based on the jobs she does in a normal week.

What's a mom worth?

According to one new report, $138,095 a year.

That's the figure in a report by Salary.com, which calculates the wages that would have been paid a stay-at-home mom in 2007 if she were compensated for all the elements of her "job." That total is up 3% from 2006's salary of $134,121.

Moms who have jobs outside the house would earn another $85,939 for their mothering work, beyond what they bring home in existing salary.

The job descriptions that Salary.com used to determine a mom's salary includes 10 jobs that moms do on an average day: housekeeper, day care center teacher, cook, computer operator, laundry machine operator, janitor, facilities manager, van driver, CEO and psychologist.

Plenty of overtime
In calculating a mom's wages, Salary.com looked at the "overtime" that both working and stay-at-home moms put in each week.

"Mom works multiple jobs and rarely gets a break from the action, working an average of 52 hours of overtime," said Bill Coleman, senior vice president at Salary.com, in a statement.

Working moms, meanwhile, logged more than nine hours of "overtime," with an average 49-hour "mom" work week -- on top of their full-time paying jobs.

For the Salary.com survey, more than 40,000 moms quantified their hours per job description; Salary.com benchmarked the median salaries for each job to the national median salary for each position as reported by employers.

The final salary was calculated by weighting the salaries and hours worked in each role.

*** And I've been searching for a new job that pays more. To think it's been right here under my nose all this time. Now if I could just get the 'boss' to pony up my wages.