When people ask me, "so what'd you do over the summer?" My reply will sound something like this, "keeping my kid entertained, moving into a new house, working, yard work and mowing...mowing...mowing. And if there was a moment to breathe I relaxed by flipping through the women's magazines."
Now, let me tell you, reading those rag mags were quite an eye opener. Being a woman, I thought I had the whole woman thing figured out; come to find out, I know squat about being a real woman. I discovered I was so far out of the loop that I almost wasn't a woman.
Here's a list of some of the finer points that educated me while I waded through the lighter fare of literature.
- It's possible to have a relationship with a man without nagging, crabbing or yelling...but then he'd wonder who the strange woman in his house was.
- You really can wear a bathing suit after you've had kids ... just make sure it has yards of spandex to flatten things out, underwire to lift things up and a cutsey skirt to cover everything else up.
- Women over forty ARE SEXY! Who knew? And all this time I'd been thinking my eye crinkles, saggage, baggage and stubbornness were turn-offs, but come to find out, most men are excited by a woman that has some life experience, and isn't afraid to show her true self, despite the fact that our true selves are usually walking around in baggy sweats and sloppy shirts.
- Alpha women (meaning women who have taken complete and total charge of their lives) secretly yearn for an alpha male to take care of them so they won't always have to be in charge; even though those strong women have willing chosen a beta male...a beta male meaning a lay about man who thinks being strong is lifting a beer can with one hand and the remote with the other.
- Divorce can make you richer ... yeh, that way all the money you've been shelling out to keep your beta male in beer and cigarettes can go into your own savings account.
- Sibling rivalry is good, it makes for a healthy relationship between sisters; it seems our differing opinions offset one another and make us a great team...just make sure you tell my sisters that it's O.K. for us to get pissed and rip one another's hair out (hey, we can always go wig shopping together).
- Cooking can be fun ... with the right recipes and the right person in the kitchen (if only I could get her to cook more than one meal).
- And finally we can have it all ... we just have to remember to read our post-its to figure out where we left it all.
I've decided that reading too many women's magazines can cause an identity crisis and from now on I'm going to read only Consumer Report, Popular Science and National Geographic.
Have a great day, all!
They're both super happy and that's all a mother really wants for her children, right? 
