Forward and onward, marching into the New Year with a new determination...for at least two weeks anyway. Just what am I determined to accomplish for 2008? Well, hopefully lots. First and foremost my resolutions are going to be kept. You doubt me? Don’t. Because this year’s resolutions are actually going to be keep-able. Check these out.

Promise to lose twenty pounds? Fuggitaboutit. I promise to keep them. I’ve already gone out and bought new clothes to accommodate the new, curvier me. Why waste good money by not being able to wear them, just because I’ve gotten too thin?

Start an exercise routine? Why change what’s working so well? I promise to continue to cozy into the sofa after a hard days work and enjoy a mindless hour or two of comedic drivel.

Eat healthier? What’s wrong with cold pizza for breakfast and carrot cake for lunch? Both have veggies; tomatoes and carrots. And both have dairy; cheese and whipped topping.

Keep my checkbook balanced? Then how would the bank make all its money? I mean c’mon those charges on my overdrafts have got to be filling the tills in the vault by now.

Visit my mother more often? I'd like to, but she seems to be enjoying my short and sporadic visits; our conversations are full of catch-ups and whatcha been doings? As opposed to if I lived next door, we’d have nothing to say because we said it all the day before.

Be a better worker? Then they might think I’m good worker and may want to promote me and then I’d have all those new responsibilities and I’d have to boss people around and work a whole lot harder than I do. Nah, I promise to continue to do what they hired me to do and do it well.

Keep up on the laundry so that its not piled up on weekends? Why bother? I promise to get a bigger laundry basket and go shopping for more clothes when I can't find anything to wear. Hey this works for the kids, why not give it a try?

Spend more time with the family? I’d love to do this one too, but nobody’s keen on board games, walks or conversing at the dinner table. How about I promise to let my family pursue the things that interest them most? What does it matter that while some are coming, the others are going? They all have a happy smile on their faces as they wave good-bye from behind the closing door.

And lastly more romantic times with my husband? Does a shared beer and a snuggle on the couch, while watching a Star Wars marathon, count? Hubby seems to think so, he just saluted that idea with a raised beer.

Yeh, I’m thinking these New Year resolutions are ones I’m really going to be able to keep this time.

Well, I just learned how to make a background...thanks to my daughter. And I decided to use my favorite personality...Cher. She defines the word Diva. She was the first and none have ever done it better than her. Let's hear it for the queen!



Who else could pull such a silly outfit as this, off? I mean she actually makes this look good.

My son comes home from school, unable to contain his excitement about what he's made in class.

"You're gonna love it! I've been working on it all week. But you can't have it yet, it's your Christmas present!"

"Then I guess I'll just have to wait."

"Try and guess."

"What if I guess?

"You won't, but go ahead and try."

"All right," and I begin making outrageous guesses, "a boat so we can go fishing in the middle of the lake?"

He frowns at me like I'm crazy, "nooo, how could I make that on my desk? Two more tries."

"A necklace with real diamonds."

He crosses his arms and rolls his eyes, "Moooom! O.K. last guess."

"How about a jewelry box? That’d be nice."

"You don't even wear jewelry."

I nod, "yeh, that's true. I guess I wouldn't really need a jewelry box, would I?"

"Nope, and that was your last guess. Want me to tell you?"

"No way, you know how much I hate knowing what my presents are. I like to be surprised on Christmas morning."

"I'm gonna tell!" he teases.

I make a show of plugging my ears and making la-la sounds. He pulls my hands away from my ears.

"C'mon, I really wanna tell you, it's so cool."

I sigh dramatically, "O.K. if you want to, go ahead and tell me."

"No way! You're gonna have to wait," and he heads off to his room to play.

I shake my head and smile, but that’s one of the things I love about Christmas, how much enthusiasm my son has about gift-giving. He puts so much of himself into making his Christmas presents, how can I not be excited as well? I know some parents get tired of making a big to-do about their children's home-made gifts, but I'm not one of them. I love those popsicle stick reindeer with glue hanging over the edges, the snowflakes covered in glitter, the colorful boxes filled with Hershey kisses, and the carefully folded Christmas cards with the huge I LOVE YOU MOM scrawled across the center. To me, those are the gifts to treasure; they’re the ones my son has made, especially for me. The ones he, and many years earlier my daughter, put love and thought into.

I realize this might sound corny to some, but I've always cherished those gifts and like a sentimental fool, continue to save them all. My daughter who is twenty now, might be surprised to learn that I still have many of the gifts she made me, even some from when she was in kindergarten. But, it’s the quickest way I know of to bring my little girl back to me. And it’ll be the same way with my son, because when he too is grown and living on his own, all I’ll have to do is take out one of those grade-school presents and remember how excited a little boy was to show his mother how much he loved her. These are my true Christmas gifts.

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4- year old Boy.

11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's d o not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin , TX has a 5-minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

25. 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.



How do I know all these things...I have a boy and my sister has five.

I awoke this morning at 3 am to use the bathroom and when I walked back to the bedroom, I thought, ‘man, it’s cold in this house.’ So I went to turn up the thermostat and stopped myself before turning the dial. I can’t just go around cranking up the heat when I’m just a little bit chilly, oil is over three bucks a gallon and will probably be at $3.50 - $3.75, if not more, before the end of winter. I’ve got to learn to deal with the shivers or learn how to be comfortable wearing layer upon layer of clothing. Fashion will have to take a back seat, The Incredible Bulk, will be my new nickname.

Another way I could keep warm is to invest in a treadmill or elliptical machine and work out continuously; that way I could keep my body temperature up by constantly working up a sweat. This would be ideal while watching T.V., but probably wouldn’t work so well while I was trying to prepare dinner. Somehow, I don’t see a treadmill fitting very well in front of the stove. Besides, the money I’d spend on either of those machines might get me a hundred gallons of oil…maybe.

At night to keep warm, we could pull all the blankets out of the closet and pile them on top of us. Who needs to move around anyway? The weight of all those blankets will have us so pinned the last thing we’ll be worrying about is how cold we are; we’ll be too busy worrying about how much weight it takes to collapse a lung.

Other ways to save on heating costs:
- Heavy, thick curtains over windows and doors...because even a silver of light into the house might disrupt that cozy, cave, bear-like, hibernation atmosphere we’re trying to create.

- Plastic sheeting around windows...because plastic sheeting flapping against the windows during a nor’easter is bound to put any foolish thoughts we might have had of sleeping through the storm, right out of our heads.

- Or bales of hay piled up around the foundation of our house... great for that mouse infestation we’ve been wanting to have.

These are my suggestions to keeping warm with the over-inflated heating costs of oil looming. They might not be pretty, but I think if we do all of them, we might make it through with very little frostbite.

I had to wait to write this article until after my fingers had thawed out, I did that by placing my hands on the sides of the toaster while cooking bread. Anyone for a plate and a half of burned toast?

Have a great evening all!